Why are all the "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls all male's ?

They all get two test tickles before their shipped !

My very first DOS lesson

C:\ DOS

C:\ DOS RUN

RUN DOS RUN

 

Why does a blond have three more brain cells that a horse ?

so when she's twirling a baton in a parade, she don't shit in the street !

 

To a blonde, what's is long and hard ?

4th Grade !

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel ?

she blew the horn !

What is the difference between a crack dealer and a prostitute ?

prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again !!

Want to put a little spark in your sex life, do it Rodeo style!

mount your old lady from behind and whisper in her ear,

"your sister is a better piece of ass" then try to hold on, for ten seconds

Hear about the woman,

that run in to the police station yelling "grape grape"

"Miss" the desk Sergeant said , " you mean rape ?"

"No" she replied , "there was a bunch of them !!"

An Airforce man, an Army man and a Marine are in a bar. The Army man gets frisky and throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shouts "I'm all I can be" and shoots the bottle. The Marine see's the Army grunt, throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, screams "I'm the few, and the proud", and shoots his bottle. The Air Force gentleman see's what the two next to him have done, throws his bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shoots both the Army guy and the Marine and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

What do men and linoleum have in common?

- You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them

The sign at the counter said that the cookies tasted just like pussy, so I asked for a sample.

"These taste like shit!" I complained.

"Turn it over" said the clerk.

Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."

He asks the third guy "What about you?".

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

This Guy in a bar spots a lovely blonde lady in a bar,

and thought he may as well have a go at her.

Guy: I want to kiss you all over.

Lady: Go away I've got a boyfriend.

Guy: I also want fuck your brains out, cum on your tits and

fill you pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw.

The lady was furious after being spoken to like that and

she runs over to the bar where her Biker boyfriend is sitting.

The lady begins telling her boyfriend about the incident.

Lady: That guy over there said he wanted to kiss me all over

Biker: He said what!

Lady: That's not it then he said he wanted to fuck my brains out.

Biker: He's dead, I'm gonna kill him

Lady: That's not it, then he said he wanted to cum on my tits.

The boyfriend slams his beer on the table and stood up ready to kill.

Lady: There's more.

Biker: More?

Lady: Then he said he wanted to fill my pussy up with beer

and drink it with a straw.

After hearing that the Biker sits back down and

quietly has another sip of his beer.

Lady: What aren't you gonna kill him?

Biker: No! Any man that can drink that much beer is a better man than me.

Jan 1 1998

A Biker sat down down at the bar one night and looking over,

there was a old Sailor sitting next to him

The poor old Sailor had a peg leg, eye patch and a hook

"What the hell happen to you" the Biker asked.

The old Sailor started to tell his story.

"one stormy night, I was thrown over board and

as I was trying to swim back to the boat, a shark bit my leg off"

as he slapped his wooden leg.

"This here hand, I lost in a sword fight when pirates trying to board us one night"

Holding up his hook proudly.

"And the eye, well one day on deck I heard a noise and looked up,

a seagull pooped right in my eye"

"you loss your eye to bird shit !" the Biker asked.

"Arr , Was me first day with the hook !" the Sailor explained

National Society of Procrastinators ---Local 151--

Announces the cancellation of their next meeting indefinitely

===============

HIGH SPEED CHASE ON TURNPIKE.

Clocked at 105 miles a hour. !

Ft.Pierce Police arrested "Mike Vanderpool"

and charged him with speeding and wreakless driving!

Mr. Vanderpool's excuse,

was that his ex-oldlady ran off with a police officer

some time ago,

and he thought it was him bring her back!

89 year old man charged with sexual assault

Arrested today ,89 year old "Stubby Mcfly"

Police are saying, it is the worst case

of assault with a dead weapon they have ever seen.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed

directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men,

and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve

your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,"

he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position

still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and

laid them to the side, she loosened his pants and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?

"He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Aug 1998

==============

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
  1) They both cost about $100.
  2) They both last about 30 seconds.
  3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.

=============

Q:   What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A:     " Honey, I'm home. "
    
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A:     Because men fake foreplay.

============

1200 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.
This is an excerpt from the transcription of the meeting notes:

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"  (3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" 

(After some pause,one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator:  "May I ask where you are from, sir?"

Attendee:   "I am from Texas."

Moderator:  "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee:   " Oh, I thought you said "goat."

===========

One night a police officer was staking out the local biker bar for possible violations

of the driving under the influence laws.

At closing time , he see a fellow stumble out of the bar, walks into a tree and

trips over a curb, trying his keys in six different bike before finding his.

Then sitting on his scoot fumbling around trying to start it.

The rest of the bar has cleared out and jumped on their scoots and left !

This poor fellow finally gets his scoot started  and begins to pull away.

The Officer pulls him over less then 100 feet from the bar, reads him his rights

and administers the breathalyzer !!

the test comes back  0.0

"  How can that be ! "   shouts the police officer.

"Well Officer, tonight  I'm the designated decoy " replys the biker

A man walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey and tell the bartender to keep them coming.

" Whats the problem mac " the bartender asks.

"Just found out my son's gay" the man replies as he knocks down his drink.

A few weeks later, same man, same bar

" Whats it this time, buddy ? " the bartender asks.

"Found out my other son's gay too!, double whiskey and keep them coming " replies the man

A few weeks later, same man, same bar.

"My god buddy !, anyone in your family like women ?" asks the bartender

"YES MY WIFE !,   double whiskey and keep them coming" cries the man.

October, 1999

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
  She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house.  A little
  later she came out of her house again wen to the mail box and again opened
  it slammed I shut again.  Angrily, back into the house she went.
  As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched
  to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
  Puzzled by her actions the man asked her "Is something wrong?" to which she  replied

  "There certainly is.  My stupid computer keeps giving me a message  saying........

                "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

*************************

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back
in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy
another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"   

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from,
there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.  At
Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You buy anudda drink,
Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come from, 
there's this place called Warshowski's.  At
Warshowski's, they buy you your first  drink, they buy you your second drink,
they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get
you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

    Ancient Chinese proverb:
    An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
       different limbs at different levels.
    Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes

++++++++++

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
> >> > >
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
>> > >
I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to
destroy it.
> >> > >
I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a big dick or huge tits.
> >> > >
I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think.
> >> > >
I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.
>> > >
I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.
> >> > >
I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
> >> > >
I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will
be the ones who do.
> >> > >
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.
> >> > >
I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.
>> > >
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones
just never go away.
> >> > >
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't
take a joke" in 6 languages





Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu
powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named BUBBA.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

****************

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how
he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But
one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that
bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor

*****************

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in
a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid-blonde jokes, when a
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just
about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes
have to do with their worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching
my full potential as a person while you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women at large, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, only to be cut off by the
blonde: "You stay out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

**********
Subject: You know you're trailer trash when.....
> >
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more
teeth than your spouse.
> >
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.
> >
> >You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
> >
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
> >
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
> >
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
> >
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,
"Hey, y'all watch this!"
> >
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
> >
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> >
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> >
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
> >
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day-care.
> >
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner
are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
> >
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
> >
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
> >
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.
> >
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
> >
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
> >
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
> >
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
> >
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
> >
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's
a law against it.
> >
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
>>
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

>>
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

>>
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
> >

Twenty Five Years of Bliss

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As
the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the
husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and
suck your breasts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

************
Help me to remember. . .when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that
people are trying to make my life a slice of hell, that it takes 42 muscles
to frown, but only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

What's your favorite joke ?

Make me Laugh !!

If you can !